As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!

I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

I can't prove it, but I can say it.

I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.

So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves.

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.