(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.