(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we're all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize.

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.

In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.

Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours