I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!

I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality. And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

You gotta learn to love when you're failing.... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer.

I'm getting angry at liberals.

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.