Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.

People would say, "Oh, you say you just do jokes." I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry.

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!

Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.