Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character.

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax and spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh... and everybody's high!

Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.

Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?

I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.