Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.

Let freedom ka-ching...Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in the Hudson River.

Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.

I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, "I command you to do this." The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.