If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.

I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.