I tell a lot of young performers, 'Go get in trouble. Go commit yourself to something you're not sure you can do.' And I followed my own advice.

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.

North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

You don't want to just do a joke because it works - we can make a lot of jokes work - you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.

You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism.