I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.

I don't know a lot about politics. I like talking about human behavior. Politicians are funny to me because they often say one thing and behave a different way.

I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.

Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.

If I ever succumbed to the demon on my shoulder going, "You should get something special because you're famous," that is the moment that my behavior will be caught on social media for all time. I'm even afraid to use it to get a reservation. This is the person who will tweet, "Can you believe what this a-hole did?"

The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable.

On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.