I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.

Evil exists because of the disobedience of Satan. God gave Satan, and the angels, and man free will. Satan used his free will and abused it by not obeying authority. Hell was created by Satan’s disobedience to God, and his purposeful removal from God’s love—which is what hell is. Removing yourself from God’s love. You send yourself to hell. God does not send you there.

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.