The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.

You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism.

I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.

If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.

Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.