Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.

Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding?