When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.

Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.