I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.

I am no fan of books.

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.

You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.

I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.

You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.