I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!

There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.

Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.

Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that's going to make me seem kind of gay.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality. And reality has a well-known liberal bias.