Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

I did learn something interesting [while at the Atlanta airport]. You have to be a member of the TSA in order to legally perform a cavity search. My apologies to the staff of Cinnabon, but you guys should really keep that extra frosting where the customers can find it.

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.

There was sort of a negative association with the military. Maybe growing up in the South or being in a family with members of the military, I didn't have that negative connotation, but I did have this 'separate' connotation. I was ashamed to realize I had it and did not realize I had it until I was [in Iraq]. I was so impressed by the people I met over there and there was just a sense of connection and gratitude towards those people.

Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.