That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.

I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.

The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable.

I tell a lot of young performers, 'Go get in trouble. Go commit yourself to something you're not sure you can do.' And I followed my own advice.

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty. People love the president because he's certain of his choices as a leader, even if the facts that back him up don't seem to exist. It's the fact that he's certain that is very appealing to a certain section of the country. I really feel a dichotomy in the American populace. What is important? What you want to be true, or what is true?