That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism.

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!

Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.

On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.