Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.

Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president. ... This past weekend, Al Gore's movie, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' earned more per screen than any film in the country. ... I dare say Gore's movie is the highest grossing PowerPoint presentation in history. ... Global warming: Can we live with it? ... It is time we did something, namely resign ourselves to doing nothing [on screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For instance, when sea levels rise, we'll just build levees [on screen: Worked for New Orleans]

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.

A lot of people have said, "Oh, I, boy, I wish Hillary Clinton would just go away."

On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.