Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

I don't know a lot about politics. I like talking about human behavior. Politicians are funny to me because they often say one thing and behave a different way.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.