The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't understand is, why can't they say what I say, even in their own way? Does that mean they want to be able to name certain bald contradictions or hypocrisies that politicians have?

If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.

First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.