Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.

Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting them on the Internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us. Hey, Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended.

I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.