Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.

You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

I tell a lot of young performers, 'Go get in trouble. Go commit yourself to something you're not sure you can do.' And I followed my own advice.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.