If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.

Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What?s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda.

I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, "What? What's that? I can't hear you