Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.

I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.