Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say "congratulations.

As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu.

I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat.

Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics.