They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people.