No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.

To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.

Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.

I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.

Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.