The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable.

Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?

John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government.

Baby carrots are making me gay.

The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights.

TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? ... Mr. President, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I'll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. The man's done nothing to control the bear population.

If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.