If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you?

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?

And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.

To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.