If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.

My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.

I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say "congratulations.

I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.