Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.

Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.

Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.