Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.

I am no fan of books.

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

I'm not going to name any names, but let's just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I'm just dry Trumping.

It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.

There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.