Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.

Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!

If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.

People would say, "Oh, you say you just do jokes." I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.