On this show, your voice will be heard in the form of my voice.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.

Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?

I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it's an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you're talking about politics or the media.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.