NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species through intimidation. That's why the single most important thing you can do as a human is to dominate an animal. Need more proof?Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground. I'd say that about covers it.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What?s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda.

I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.