NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.

If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.

Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.