The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't understand is, why can't they say what I say, even in their own way? Does that mean they want to be able to name certain bald contradictions or hypocrisies that politicians have?

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.

I'm proud of my ability to understand what somebody else is trying to do and help them achieve it, because part of the aesthetic of improvisation is service. You never say no. Serve the servant, follow the follower. And that's very valuable in your life, as well as very valuable in your actor's work. I'm damn proud of my ability to help other people achieve their ideas.

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you?

If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.