The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't understand is, why can't they say what I say, even in their own way? Does that mean they want to be able to name certain bald contradictions or hypocrisies that politicians have?

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.

There's a buzz to failing and not dying.

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.