Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.

The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about.

Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.

I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.

There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.

It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.