Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.

I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.

Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.

We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.