Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.

Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

You seem cynical because you're always talking about that selfish behavior that's dressed up as altruism. It doesn't mean there isn't altruism. It just means that it's harder to make jokes about altruism.

You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.

For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear