If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.

Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.

I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.

I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.

In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say "congratulations.

There was sort of a negative association with the military. Maybe growing up in the South or being in a family with members of the military, I didn't have that negative connotation, but I did have this 'separate' connotation. I was ashamed to realize I had it and did not realize I had it until I was [in Iraq]. I was so impressed by the people I met over there and there was just a sense of connection and gratitude towards those people.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.