Usually when Donald Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

I tell a lot of young performers, 'Go get in trouble. Go commit yourself to something you're not sure you can do.' And I followed my own advice.

I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.