‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.

If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.

I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black 'at' people. I didn't just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.

I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.