‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

And my daughter said, 'Why are you yelling at us?' and I said, 'I'm trying to discipline you!' And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, 'This is how you teach children, by making them cry.' And it was such a clenching reminder - she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.

If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.