Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work.