When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

There was sort of a negative association with the military. Maybe growing up in the South or being in a family with members of the military, I didn't have that negative connotation, but I did have this 'separate' connotation. I was ashamed to realize I had it and did not realize I had it until I was [in Iraq]. I was so impressed by the people I met over there and there was just a sense of connection and gratitude towards those people.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.