Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work.

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you?

The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable.

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.