My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.

I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.