My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I'll ask him when it's gonna start working again.

If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.

If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.

TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? ... Mr. President, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I'll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. The man's done nothing to control the bear population.