I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.

If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?

Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)

I don't get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.

You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?

I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it does, Stephen. Let's get a grilled cheese sandwich."