If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls.

To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.

Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

What I rediscovered was the therapeutic nature of singing lessons. They're like doing yoga but for [the] inside of your body. You open up and use muscles that you don't think of as malleable.