If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.

If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.

brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.