Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005

The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

There is a residual sense for me, having grown up in the early '70s, that I did not know I had, which was a sense that the military are different than I. Because there was such a divide between the military world - and there still is, because there's no draft - and the civilian world is one of the rotten harvests of the Vietnam War, was this sort of bifurcation of America in that way.

I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.

Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.