Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!

Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours

I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants.

We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']

Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.