Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?

(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.