If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.

No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.

John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.

The interesting thing about fake news and fake media is that it's a heresy against reality. Again, as a Catholic, I was taught that the greatest sin was heresy. Because not only are you a sinner, you are proselytizing and inviting other people into your sinful state through your heresy. You're a recruiter for your own fallen state. Donald Trump is a heretic against reality. Basically, he's lying for sport. He's inviting people into his heresy that there is no objective reality.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.