It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.

A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.

I gut check my show. I say, I say, "Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?" And Gut says, "Yes it does, Stephen. Let's get a grilled cheese sandwich."