It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.

Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.