Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the 'wordanistas' over at Websters, are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word!' Well, anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax and spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh... and everybody's high!

Opinions are like demo tapes. I don't want to hear yours