If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.

I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.

I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?