I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.