The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.

I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.

There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.

I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?

No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.