The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.

Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.

If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.

The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we're all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize.

If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.